The Sunshower Phenomenon
All of the feelings, all at once
Many years ago, I did a summer internship at the University of Prince Edward Island.
As a cash-strapped student without means for transportation, I landed an apartment within a short walking distance from campus.
While I was told many wonderful things about the island, its enthusiasts forgot to mention one unusual phenomenon: sunshowers.
True to its name, it’s a meteorological phenomenon that starts to rain as the sun shines. It’s quite stunning, sunlight sparking off the gentle rain, usually accompanied by a rainbow or two.
Beautiful, yet inconvenient.
I would head outside and because it was a beautiful, warm, sunny day, so I would not bring my umbrella for the ten-minute sojourn. Then, halfway to my destination, much to my chagrin, I found myself caught in a beautiful, yet unwelcome, downpour. I was embarrassed, pissed off, and amazed at the same time. How could these two things happen at once?
This paradox was not limited to the weather.
Think back to this symbolic phenomenon when I’m experiencing overwhelming emotions that seem to contradict each other.
This concept, as defined by my therapist, is called dialectical thinking. This is because you can experience multiple, even opposite, emotions and thoughts at the same time.
We seem to think of things as either-or; for example, you’re either happy or sad, you love something or hate something, or it’s raining or sunny. However, dialectic thinking allows for opposites to coexist. Therefore, the “or” is replaced with an “and.”
This was explained to me during a therapy conversation about my many feelings about living far away from my daughter.
Two years ago, I moved back to Ontario from out west and continued co-parenting my daughter, whose dad and stepmom are still in Saskatchewan. Every time she travels back for a period to live with them, I feel sad, guilty, and hollow. I miss her terribly.
At the same time, I’m also happy for her. She has some good friends and a community out west. She’s doing especially well at her school and excelling at her volunteer work and extracurriculars. She’s in a great place, and that makes me thrilled for her.
While I thought it was peculiar, even wrong, that I could ever feel any relief, my therapist let me know that it was a healthy way of approaching life-changing events.
You can be happy and sad at the same time.
Two completely opposite feelings can coexist!
This concept has stayed with me since that session.
I can feel restless and like I want more of a challenge, but I still feel grateful and happy with my career.
I am madly in love with and have complete faith in my boyfriend. Yet, I simultaneously feel waves of anxiety and insecurity.
My life is so much different than it was a year ago, yet somehow, every day can feel the same.
My daughter’s most recent trip back to Saskatchewan was the hardest. It may be because it’s winter, or it may be the fact that there wasn’t a huge event to distract me upon her departure. Either way, it has hit harder.
Most days, I’ve been a bit deflated and sullen. Worrying about whether I’m a bad parent for living so far away, for making her travel, for not always being there.
Then there are times when we’re video calling. She’s doing her homework, debriefing me on her basketball game, updating me on the friend gossip and sharing dreams of what university she wants to attend one day.
Then I get that feeling that she’s okay. I can feel the sun as well as the rain.
The paradox then moves beyond just conflicting feelings. It becomes a reality. I am consistently giving emotional support, love and attention despite not being physically beside her. I’m still there.